I do

Transcript

Host Jamie: Hello, I'm Jamie Yuenger and this is 'If You Knew Me', a podcast about the inner lives of women. Every week, we walk into the heart and mind of one woman. Each guest can choose to share her real name or to stay anonymous. This week, I'm taking off my hosting hat and sharing one of my own stories.

My friend and writer, Rachel Krause-Hurn was kind enough to conduct an interview with me. 

On July 1st, I'll get married to Piet, the co-producer of this show. I wanted to celebrate and document that sacred event in my life through a podcast episode. I also wanted to take the opportunity to get real about a moment that our culture, so often sugar coats. Weddings are frequently made out to be these fluffy white cake affairs, but there's so much going on underneath the frosting, so to speak.

In my life, that includes the hard to pin down notion of belonging. I've had so many thoughts and feelings leading up to this big day, especially since it's my second marriage. My story is entitled: 'I do'.

Jamie: So I'm getting married in eight days. And over the last several months, I have gone through all kinds of thoughts and feelings about the concept of marriage, the act of marriage,

the a theatrical and performative part that is a wedding and my feelings about that as a woman in this world where there's so much, emphasis placed on our beauty and placed on kind of being a trophy in a sense. And even though that has nothing to do with my relationship with my partner and soon to be a spouse, Piet.

Um, it's still there. It's there in hanging in the air. I feel like for all women. Um, so I've sort of contended with a lot of that. And then alongside that is sort of the deeper aspects of being wed and devoting yourself to someone and this sacred bond that you're choosing to, go through with, with this person.

 maybe it's different when you're doing that for a second time, because this is my second marriage. And so all of that. has been kind of swirling and wirling in my head and in my heart as I've been leading up to this moment.

Jamie: and yeah, just to speak to, you know, I guess the, aspect of female beauty. and this whole performance it has made me wonder for myself what I really think beauty is. because it feels like it's this moment, this really special, rare moment where you are.

Presenting yourself, not only to your beloved, but to your inner circle of people so I've been thinking about that a lot about what I think is really what is beauty and what do I think is beauty for me? And so this is like come up in these prickly little moments where I find myself getting really annoyed.

about certain things that are kind of asked about or expected of brides. particularly heterosexual brides, marrying a man. like, are you gonna get a manicure and a pedicure? Which seems and is very banal and who cares. But on the other hand, it's like everything matters because everything is a choice of how on this very particular day you are showing up in the world.

 a little over three years ago now, I, very unexpectedly met Piet and fell in love with him at first sight. which prior to that, I would've told you, I didn't really believe in that. but I just know deep in my heart that it is.

Jamie: And, now I feel like after three years of trials and tribulations and triumphs, together as a couple. I know better why that has happened. I think, on an energetic level, we were kind of like bound for one another. So it wasn't a thinking thing. It was, I think I just felt on a, you know, under the niche, like divine kind of vibration level that I, uh, needed him and I needed him to be able to make a leap.

 ever since we met and we were together, I've been going through. Um, this like crucible of an experience, of really growing up. And it takes a lot of humility for me to say that

Jamie: because I would really like to believe that I was super grown up before . Um, but I think on. An emotional level. Um,

I, I had a lot of growing up to do. And so this experience of being in a really intense relationship, which has been intensified even more by having a child together, we have a two year old daughter. I, recently heard this description of, uh, Chrysalis, which is when a caterpillar becomes a butterfly.

Um when the caterpillar. Is going through the Chrysalis process of becoming a butterfly. the caterpillar essentially becomes like nothing.

Jamie: It like becomes like mush. almost like as if you think of like an egg white or something, totally becomes not what it is. and. that is pretty much what it's felt like over the last three years of my life in many ways is, letting go of

who I thought I was, who I wanted to be, how I was coping and therefore how I presented, um, just to, you know, cope with life and all that had happened prior. this now coming to this place of getting married, it's weird because on some, level, I feel a little bit bad and, disappointed and embarrassed that I made wedding vows before.

And I didn't keep. because I never would've taken those vows. If I thought I wasn't going to keep them. Um, and then being on the other, I don't know if it's the other side, but being in a very different place. Now, I, think about what those vows mean so differently because I'm a completely different person in many ways.

 I have a lot more self-acceptance and self love, and that may seem. I don't know, self interested, but in fact, what I've realized is now being a mother, you really have to get to a place of self love and self acceptance and self forgiveness in order to parent well. um, you're soft.

Jamie: With yourself so that you can be soft with your child. Um,

so this has nothing to do with wedding cakes and giant, you know, like where you bought your dress or like all of this other stuff that I think the society puts so much emphasis on. leading up to a wedding. And much of that has been really far from my mind.

 it's more on these matters um,

of surrender, to the gifts that are in your life, which happen to be for me, like this person who I never, in a million years would've dreamed up. And the life that has kind of resulted, from that. and the child that we have so I'm, I'm like, as I, as we're sort of like counting down the days to the actual wedding day

it's, I mean, I'm kind of nervous. I'm really excited. I feel like I, I sort of like ran a, like a spiritual marathon. Um, yeah. what it feels like. and I feel like I'm. I'm kind of at the, not that, you know, that work is never done, but I kind of feel like I've, I've sort of run the race, you know,

Jamie: and there's so many times in, in the course of the last three years that I really, really wanted to give up

and, uh, it's gonna be so good to just celebrate to really just like, wow. You know, I mean, of course Piet has his whole own story and his whole journey and our journey together. But this is like the journey that I took, you know, to get to this place where, um, when I think about now, like showing up, you know, coming into that ceremony space.

I feel like, yeah, I'm finally really beautiful. like on the deepest level. Um, I'm,

I'm ready to really just show up as myself. And, and that is pretty gorgeous. yeah,

one of the things that I lacked for a lot of my life was a sense of really belonging to my family.

And. It's something that I sought out and created in some ways, in other places with other people. In hosting dinner parties and in being a part of, um, you know, I was really in, involved in a yoga studio community when I lived in New York. and I think all of that is great. Um, But I think I always really deeply wanted to have a family that I felt like I belonged to.

And, and also that was healthy and loving and that there weren't like scary things around the corner that I had to kind of be hypervigilant about. And one of the things I'm really looking forward to ,which is already present in my relationship with Piet and his older children and the rest of the family that we have is, that really that sense of being, accepted.

And I guess I'm just really looking forward to more of that. I'm really looking forward to not just arriving and experiencing that. It being normal I think about there's the chance that Piet's older children will have their own children in the next they're in their early twenties, you know, in the next decade.

And our daughter will be 12 at that point. You know, it's so funny. I like we were out and about the other day and we saw this family of, like 18 people or something and they were out and they had rented these like tuk-tuk cars, like the kind of cars you see in like Thailand and India.

Like these sort of little anyway, in some small town in the Netherlands, they ha now have these that you can rent. And they're sort of like a large version of them and your family can rent them. And, and I saw this family and They had rented two of them and they were all packed into these tuk-tuk cars and they had like brought a picnic with them.

 and as I was looking at it, I was like that maybe just seems kind of silly and, or would have seemed silly and boring to me in the past. But when I look at that now, I'm just like, that's what I see. I see, like this growing strong, connected family. You know, every in once in a while they want to get together, you know, they want to like rent tuk-tuks and like have a picnic, you know?

Jamie: And, um, yeah, it feels easy and good. And, I don't know, expanding, 

 I've had a lot of loss in the last three years also in sort of deciding to stop having relationships with people in my family who really I've had like a toxic relationship with them. And so there's been a lot of loss I guess I'm looking forward to additions um, so, yeah, I mean, it's not just about.

Jamie: The wedding it's about the hope and the promise for me, that lies in not only Piet, because it's, it's also what that represents, you know, beyond us.

Jamie: this is not only my second marriage, but I'm entering into it with the two of us having a child together. And she's, almost two and a half. And so I'm like full-fledged parent of a toddler, that is a very different experience than, and I know because I got married before and I didn't have a kid, um, different experience in that.

 we are already together, you know, in a very real way, we're already committed and, devoted to each other as a couple in a very real way. because we have this living. Very alive being that, we made together. 

Jamie: so the marriage for me, the wedding and the vows now is so much more about, honoring ring the relationship. that's just between us. you know, Piet and I, we've been committed and we've actually been wearing rings for, almost three years. But I think having it witnessed is very different. Um, probably a, like a minor detail, but I mean, it is like there's also gonna be a two and a half year old at the wedding.

So I have been thinking about like when Piet and I are coming. at the same time we're coming up two different aisles, or paths because we're getting married in a garden. And so there's a circle in the middle of the garden where all of the guests will be seated. And there's, there's actually eight paths that go into that circle, but we're coming up two of them separately, but at the same time and then meeting in the middle and, when we're coming up, those paths we're facing Our guests. And so I'm like, what's our daughter gonna do? she's probably gonna, you know, yell mama and Papa and want to get off of her babysitter's lap and start running to us. And so there's just a little part of the like logistical Maven in my mind. That's like, okay. I also wanna be like, present for these vows and not it to be like, you know, Interrupted by her toddler because she doesn't know any better.

And, hopefully all of that will just be, that will just be taken care of by the babysitter being wise and knowing what to do.

Host Jamie: Thanks so much for listening to this week's episode. This is our 21st episode and the finale of our podcast. Second season. Piet and I are taking a short break for our honeymoon. We will be back with a new season and fantastic new stories starting August 4th.

If you wanna stay in the loop about new stories as well, some upcoming events, I highly encourage you to sign up for our newsletter. We will be hosting our first ever online event this fall and getting the newsletter is the best way to stay informed about the date and the sign up details. Just go to the show notes and click to sign up.

If you wanna give us a wedding gift that costs you $0. I would be delighted if you'd rate and review us on Apple or on our new website, which is if you knew me.show. The links to everything I mentioned are in the show notes. 

This podcast is produced by me, Jamie Yuenger, and my husband, Piet Hurkmans. Thanks so much for listening to 'If You Knew Me'. We'll be back with you on August 4th with a entirely new season of fantastic stories. Until then.