Hear Me

Transcript

Jamie: Hello, I'm Jamie Yuenger. And this is 'If You Knew Me', a podcast about the inner lives of women. Every week, we walk into the heart and mind of one woman, each guest can choose to share her real name. Or to stay anonymous. This week, we hear from Arlean that's her real name. Arlean spent years feeling lost and alone, not knowing what was going on with her body.

Out of nowhere, her heart would start racing and she felt like she might stop breathing entirely. Her story is entitled 'Hear Me'

Arlean: I have been a person, um, living with anxiety for a really, really long time.

Recollecting it first surfaced for me, many years ago, when I, uh, I was out with my boyfriend one evening think it was, I think it was 1999 and I was in the middle of the dance floor and all of a sudden.

I was hit with this wave and I could not breathe anymore. And I almost fought my way out of this bar. And thankfully, when I got outside, you know, my boyfriend was with me and he was like, you know what what's happened? And I said, I was like, I, all of a sudden, I just couldn't breathe. Chest was tight.

I just felt like everything was caving in. That was the only time it happened in fast forward. And next time I feel like I can recall it ever happening again is, 2007 years Eve I have a great time with my friends and, I get home and again, this wave of panic struck me and I, I could not breathe.

it's one of the scariest feelings that I've ever felt in my entire life. Feeling like you are about to die.

There was a point of time where it was really difficult for meto even leave my apartment

because it was just every time I would leave my house, I would just be struck with this wave of constant emotion.

It started to really become debilitating. not being able to even leave the house to get anything to eat, because I was so fearful that I would have these panic attacks and on the street. I would be in the house for days at a time. And like, no one knew, like my friends would come over.

No one knew that I would not be leaving my house because I would be having these panic attacks and they were so frightening. and trying to like, understand what was happening. Was I going crazy? was I dying? Or what was happening because I didn't know what they were. I just knew that you know, I just couldn't breathe and my heart was racing.

My mind was racing.

Eventually, you know, you start Googling and figuring out like, okay, this is what it is. And dealing with it on my own. I'm the type of person where I don't really share what's happening with me. I deal with what's happening with me and that's another problem in itself. and one of the reasons probably why my body finally, you know, was telling me like, you need to do something

cause you're holding in all of these emotions that you're not putting words to and expressing and releasing 

I feel like it's something that, I didn't learn in childhood, being able to put words to emotions and speaking how you feel and just letting those things go and just talking about your feelings.

That's not something that I grew up

with I felt that I needed to handle whatever was going on with me. No one ever told me that this is something that I needed to do, but for some reason I've always felt like whatever is going on with me, I have to handle it.

And I have a lot of conversations with myself. but it's something that I wish that I was given tools for, at a much younger age

because it really did manifest into, the worry and now the anxiety. I mean, this is something that I still live with. Thankfully at this point in my life. I have tools now.

Whether it's physical, whether it's yoga and breathing and sometimes meditating and really like just coming back to myself or, it's really just expressing how I feel. I choose not to hold my words anymore. And when I have something to say, or, I have a feeling, I express myself It's been, Really helpful, but there's still times when,my mind still races and I get panic attacks, but now I have the tools, to really help with the, you know, the breathing and the, and the processing.

I think it was about 11 years ago now, Me and my boyfriend broke up and I know that there was a lot of worrying and anxiety about that particular relationship. It was, a really, really emotional relationship. And through the course of it, you know, I felt like I was losing a lot of myself.

We break up, but because this idea of love and, you know, I want to keep this love and you know, I'm going to fight for this love. we kept seeing each other, even after the breakup. And then I got pregnant 

A few months later, right after my fifth month checkup. The next day I lost my daughter.

That whole process of losing something that you so wanted. I don't think I've ever been one of those women who fantasize about being, um, someone's wife, but I've always had a deep desire to be someone's mother. So when I lost my daughter, it was a real awakening for me that I can survive the worst day of my life.

Arlean: A few days after losing my daughter, I chose to, really voice with my ex the fact that I need to know if you want to be with me and not because we were going to have the child and you want to be with actually me Arlean.

Because we did kind of get back together while I was pregnant and the idea of him still being there, and me not knowing if he was only there because we were, about to have this baby and the idea of me telling him this and being okay with him saying, "No, I don't want to be with you anymore."

and me being honestly okay with myself. and formulating the words and not being afraid to ask him that question and receive the honest answer from him. from that moment on, our relationship, it did change. I became, less afraid of how he would react to certain things.

And I just started to become, you know, me again.

 voicing my opinions, telling him how I feel and it manifested in other areas of my life as well

Arlean: I've always felt like what I had to say really just did not even matter that much. as I'm getting older, realizing that, the voice that I have, it does mean something and I'm not afraid to express opinions that I have.

As a child, growing up. I mastered the idea of becoming invisible growing up. It was much easier to become invisible and much safer in some aspects of my life.

I can recall being rooms of people and really just disappearing into myself to the point where I don't think people really realized I was even in the room anymore. So my voice didn't matter. if there's not even any awareness of you even being there anymore, why does your voice even matter?

as I'm getting older and realizing that, you know, my voice does matter, the idea of not being seen and heard, it has really a profound, emotion, especially when I'm in romantic relationships, it comes out a lot there, the idea of, not being heard by that person or seen by that person.

 I know a trauma response from that is I over-explain things sometimes because it's kind of like, no, you can hear me. Hear me, hear me, hear me, hear me, hear me

and that's something that I'm also trying to be mindful of, not doing, because you don't want to lead from a place of fear and trauma when you're, you know, when you're having relationships with anyone, whether with your friends or, mantic relationships or work

I feel like a lot of black women deal with their trauma differently. I feel like a lot of black women don't know that they even have trauma because they're trying to be strong black women. Right. And it manifests in so many different ways. For me, it manifested in anxiety, panic attacks, because I am trying to be so strong all the time.

 One of the things you know my therapist said to me, Arlene, I feel like you could be in a room full of people, you're having a panic attack and no one in that room will ever know. I said, yes, that's happened many times. And it's the illusion that you always have to be strong. And with it all times, because when you don't, when you crack, when you're having a bad day, when you're having an emotional day and you know, you're loud or you can come off as you're having an attitude or, you just snap at the littlest thing when you're, when, when you're out in public.

Yeah. You know, you're viewed as, an angry black woman when really you're just hurting and you don't have the tools to express yourself. 

it's just how we're viewed all the time.

an emotional moment for a black woman and emotional moment for a non woman of color, how that's viewed is two different things.

 a woman of color is deemed as being, aggressive or, you know, she's just an angry, person. Whereas, a white woman could be just having a bad day and let's help her. you know, let's talk to her, let's see what's going on with her, but we don't get that in most times.

I'm really tired of being looked at like that. I want to be soft. I want to be, you know, if I'm having a bad day, I want someone to run up to me and say, what's wrong and how could we help you? tell me what's going on, and really see me and the pain that I'm actually going through.

Arlean: And don't view that pain as an attitude or anger. But real human pain 

It's really frustrating. 

And we do it to ourselves also. Also, I've had conversations with, black men who say, you know, I'm just tired of, black women and their attitudes and the way that they they are.

And, I've looked at them and saying like you, you above all should understand what we are going through, to just have blanket statements of, black women it's really hurtful because they should just understand the enormity of emotions that black people in America go through on a daily basis.

No one's offering you any sort of Mental wellness care and conversation and talking about what it is that you're really going through on a daily basis.

It could be suffocating to not have those outlets. so much so that you feel like you can't breathe

Yoga has been a gift for me, just a dedicated hour, of intentional breathing. what that has done for not only my mind, but my body and how I'm able to just honestly process my thoughts, process my feelings.

And then in turn, cultivating a sisterhood of friends who we then talk about those things, talk things through. In such healthy ways to where I'm not focused on the worry of the future, you know, what anxiety is, it's not living in the present. So that's definitely been a blessing for me to be able to.

Use my voice and be able to express myself and have people in my life that want to hear what's going on with me

I'm intentional about letting people love me, allowing people to love me. That's an intentional thing for me.

And that's not fair to, that's not fair to the people that actually do love you and realizing that how you're just blocking experiences that you could be having with people, real, emotional, sensitive, vulnerable, beautiful moments that you could be having with people because you're in your head thinking you're simply just not good enough

Arlean: for these moments, what you have to say, isn't profound enough for these moments, but all you have to do is have a conversation and be open and honest with the people that love you

it's just really important for me now to have people who actually know who I really am as a person. And not the facade of who you think I am, but really get to know me as a person

Jamie: Thanks so much for listening to this week's episode. Arlean Gillin is a 44 year old woman living in Brooklyn, New York. She's often viewed as a strong black woman, but if you knew her, you'd know that she'd rather be seen as a soft, evolving black woman who is living. 

If Arlean's story spoke to you, take a moment and share it with a friend.

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This podcast is produced by me, Jamie Yuenger, and my husband, Piet Hurkmans. 

Thanks so much for listening to 'If You Knew Me'. 

We'll be back with you next week.